funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
