True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
