Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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