I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
