What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
