I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
