I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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