I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
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You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
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Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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