She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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