You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
