she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
