bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
