one two three fourrrrnication!
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
