You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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