Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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