You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
