This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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