if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
