I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
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I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
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Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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