I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
