I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
