I just pynch a tree in the face
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Randomize
