remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
home. puking in laundry basket.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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