Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
