I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
