take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
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she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
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I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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