I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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