So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
