oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
