I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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