and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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