is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
