happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
