Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
