Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
