if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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