I faked an abortion last night.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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