My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I can't trust your balls anymore.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
