I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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