Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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