I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
