it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
