So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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