Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Life is so much better after having sex.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
