He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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