I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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