don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I am available for nakedness
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
