1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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