Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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