Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
