wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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