I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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