I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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