To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
