I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
