the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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