Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
