i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
