Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
