I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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