I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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