regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
