If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
