got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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