I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
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By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
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Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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