If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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