I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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