I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
