i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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