GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
